God Bless Childbearing Women...

As I approach my 30th birthday, my favorite friend likes to remind me that, according to her,  my "biological clock" is ticking.  I would say since about my senior year of high school, I have been saying that I don't want any children.  Perhaps I am scarred and or scared, or a little of both.  My mother had 3 children by 3 different men.  I would even venture so far as to say that she was 3 different women each time she gave birth.  My sister at 14, my brother at 25ish and myself at 37.  I never went without, at least as far as I know.  My mom was a GREAT mother.  The story I was told in regard to my dear late father, was that he told my mom "No woman gets pregnant at 40" and went on to imply that she was trying to "trap" him for marriage.  Thank God my mother kept me.  However, when I was about 6 years old, I "met" my father for the first time.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  We lived on Vera St.  When he came to the door, I yelled to my mother "Some man is at the door, I don't know if it's my father or not!" We had spaghetti for dinner.  I remember wanting my father to come in like a knight and shining armor and we'd be one big happy family like in the books I read or like my friends' families.  That wasn't the case.  My mother was my best friend.  Let me tell it, the sun rose and set just for her.  I wanted that relationship with my father, it just never seemed to happen.  When I was in college at Hampton, we began to bond a little more and finally, talked on a regular basis.  Shortly thereafter he died.  I was so distraught, feeling like we'd never have an opportunity to "fix" our broken relationship.

I always tell people when I see pregnant women, it makes me want to pee.  Like literally, that whole human sitting on top of my bladder just doesn't seem like a good idea.  Or watching videos in health class, of the baby swimming around in the woman's stomach.  I could only imagine morning sickness being the equivalent or worse than a bad hangover...MULTIPLE DAYS IN A ROW!  My cycle makes me feel like crap.  I don't understand how women deal with the symptoms that come a long with pregnancy.  And then the whole thing of pushing a human body out of hole the size of (whatever size yours is)...I think I'll pass...The whole thought of pregnancy makes me want to throw up in my mouth.  Then of course as an educator, I look at all the demon children I've run across and hit them with that same phrase "That couldn't be my child!"  I mean what if you don't like them?  You went through all of that ish and now you have a child you don't like.  That's whack! And then you have to take care of them for essentially the REST OF YOUR LIFE!  So many children are born into broken/dysfunctional situations. I think it's so unfair.  There are times when I don't want to be here and to subject a child to that is not right.

So I was out with my favorite friend yesterday.  We went to The Children's Place to buy clothes for her daughter.  I thought the clothes were adorable.  But as more screaming babies entered the store, I was over it.  lol  There were strollers galore. I'm sure that the layout of the store had to be designed in a way that would accommodate strollers.  And they have to hire extremely patient people to deal with crying babies and the multitasking mothers who are distracted by them.  I would assume my favorite friend would love for us to bond on the level of motherhood, but I just don't know that I can get with it.  I kind of like my freedom.  After spending so much time and energy taking care of my mother, I am glad to have time to take care of me.  Having children is a huge sacrifice.
Another friend of mine acts as though pregnancy and motherhood is like a day at the spa or the beach.  I'm so confused.  She already has two children and is very strategically planning a 3rd.  Like her fascination and focus on the process is probably the extreme opposite of mine.  I love her much and wish her luck, however, I think I will live vicariously through the two of them, at least for a while.  At least I can give their babies back when I'm done.
In comparison, I have yet, a third friend who has no children, but is saying that she's ready.  She's ready to settle down and have a family.  I would say that I probably agree with her.  As terrified as I am of marriage and children, I secretly want to be in love and have a family also.  My family isn't very close knit at all, so I always admire people who have a great family life.  Sometimes I get lonely and want to give my life meaning and purpose.

Talking to a gentleman friend the other day, he expressed a desire for a family and as he termed it "white picket fence."  I quickly snapped back "You don't want that. You're too busy having fun."  But that wasn't right, I shouldn't have said that.  I didn't mean it.  He really impressed me by being man enough to articulate what he wanted, when obviously, I haven't arrived there yet.  I went on to say "Well what if you don't like the children? What if it doesn't work out between you and your mate?"  He very calmly replied, "Well damn, you just gonna skip over the marriage and head straight to the divorce.  Is that all you think about? Seriously?"  *blank stare*  This conversation has haunted me all week.  I had to do some real soul searching.  I used to believe, what happened?  Then I went on to tell him about how I have a friend who's family I'm very close to.  I call her my sister and her mother I call mommie, and her cousin is one of my best friends.  I go to all of their cookouts and family gatherings and I'm actually planning on attending the family reunion.  I was telling him how I love being around them because they have such a great family dynamic.  He looked at me and said "Hmmm, you enjoy their family life, huh?  Interesting." Wow.  With all that being said, I salute childbearing women, maybe one day I will be brave enough to join the ranks.