Awesome shoes

I just saw these shoes in New York magazine, had to post...enjoy!

And God said "I'm ready when you are."

My work in progress pile...months old...although mostly repairs.

The light at the end of the tunnel...my office in my mother's former bedroom.

As a child, I was always into fashion magazines. I was subscribed to and avidly read Vogue and Seventeen when I was nine, probably even before that. I would fantasize about how fabulous and glamorous my life would be as an adult. I'd also get ideas for my Barbie clothes. I'd actually sew clothes for my Barbies by hand, out of my mother's scrap material which was always in abundant supply in my house. God whispered "I'm ready when you are."

When it came time for me to go to college, I was trying to cover all of my bases and thought about degrees in both the areas of, fashion, because it was always my first love, and business, as I was in an international business program at my high school. I received the admissions paperwork to Parsons, read it over and over again, and chose to attend Hampton, the safer of the two options. God again said "I'm ready when you are." I went to Hampton starting off as an accounting major and finishing as a psychology major. I struggled with accounting. Now it makes sense to me, that wasn't where I was supposed to be. Yet, the experience was invaluable and I learned a lot about people, myself and the world as a whole through my experience at Hampton. That was where I was supposed to be to get the message that I needed for that moment.

I graduated from Hampton and moved home to help out with my ill mother. Having developed a love for children, I took a position in New Jersey working for a non-traditional after school program. I loved the job! It was soooo much fun and allowed me to tap into my creative side. However, unfortunately, soon, my mother's condition worsened and I felt urged to move home to be closer to her. I remember shortly thereafter, my friend graduated with her bachelor's degree and we took a trip to the mountains and stayed in a cabin there for a weekend. I spent the whole time sewing a hand bag by hand out of some supplies I'd found at home to busy myself. And God said "I'm ready when you are." I finished that handbag and made several more in an attempt to fill my idle days with something creative. Somewhere between partying, boyfriends and caring for my mom, I let that dream go. I remember going through my mother's belongings in an attempt to purge our home which was jam-packed and rather resembled a storage unit rather than a home. I found piles and piles and bags and bags of fabric. In addition to those piles of raw fabric, I found items where my mother had cut the fabric out of a pattern, pinned it together, and if she'd taken about another ten minutes of sewing, it would have been a great garment. And God said "I'm ready when you are." At that point in my life, I was feeling a lot of emotions; fear, confusion, frustration, loneliness, depression, etc. I gave some of the fabric away and committed the ultimate sin with the rest...I threw it all away in frustration.

Last summer, I was at a party, with some people I went to the mountain cabin with. One of them asked "Is that one of your designs?" in reference to the bag I was carrying. I presume, I could've easily designed it myself, however, it was one that I had had the audacity to actually purchase. With her unintentional, yet inspirational words, I found myself back in the fabric store rummaging the sales bins and looking for rhinestones and sequins-I love all things sparkly. I would get excited about the fabrics and all the possibilities that could result from raw fabric. And God said "I'm ready when you are." Now, I had began arguing with God, "I mean, I could be in here sewing everyday like YOU asked me to, but how am I going to support myself?" I had millions of excuses for why I couldn't. I had just been let go from my job, had very little to do or places to be and decided, why not sew? Shortly thereafter, my unemployment kicked in and I had a source of income. I would dream about clothes. I had purchased a sketchbook and colored pencils specifically for trying to replicate my visions on paper. I spent a great deal of time sewing and designing. Then my mother got sick. And I spent all of my time worrying. Eventually she got better and returned to her nursing home, only to die a few months later.

My mother was so much a part of my world and who I am as a person. She gave my life purpose, because everything I did, I did for her. I remember talking to her shortly before she passed and her asking me if I'd found a job yet. "No, not yet, mommie. I'd been thinking about taking some sewing classes, and trying to pursue my fashion design." She suggested that I look into classes by Singer, as she'd taken some as a young adult. And God said "I'm ready when you are." After my mother's death, I found myself in a deep depression, not wanting to do much of anything. I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to be doing. I spent so much time assuring that my mom was ok that I felt lost without her. I began to ask God, "What do you want me to do? Just tell me which way to go!" At first I was calm about it, as God and I always had pleasant exchanges, but as time wore on, I began to get angry. I was so in touch spiritually and usually did a good job of interpreting God's messages, except now He wasn't saying anything. I've been blogging about my desire to do fashion, talking to friends about it, I've even talked to STRANGERS about it, yet, I haven't moved in that direction yet.

Last night, as I was having my nightly conversation, also known as, prayer with God, the conversation went like this...well, actually it was more of a monologue:

"God, I keep asking you which way you want me to go, what you want me to do, and you aren't saying anything!"

"Does that mean you want me to be still?"

"I've been still for the past year and a half...I'm ready to do something!"

"I need to busy my time, so I can stop being so depressed about losing my mother and my car accident."

"God?"

"Oh wait! I get it now...I know exactly what you're doing."

"YOU are being STILL because you already told me what to do."

"You think you're pretty clever, huh?"

"I suppose you want me to do the fashion thing huh? Tired of me talking about it?"

Silence....

And God said "I'm ready when you are."

The Dream Giver

I've been reading the book, The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. I, like so many others, find myself feeling like the main character in the book, Ordinary. Last week, I was expressing my frustration with not quite being sure which path to take in my life to my friend who gave me the book...God was working through her. During the course of the week, I spoke to my sweetheart, my best friend and a few other aquaintances about my desire to be a fashion designer. Every single person encouraged me to pursue it. My sweetie actually replied "If that's what you've always wanted to do and it will make you happy, you should do it. Like it was really just that simple. It's been my dream since I was a little girl. In fact when I applied to go to Hampton, I really wanted to go to Parsons for Fashion Design, but was told it was too frivolous and I would need something to "fall back on." So here I am 10 years later and the fashion design dream is resurrecting in my spirit. A few days ago, I went to a random part of town to pick up a new cell phone. I went into Panera Bread company for lunch. That wasn't even part of my plan for the day, as I had other errands to run. I sat at the table alone, playing with my new toy and taking bites of my food in between. The most random lady walked up to me totally unnoticed and said "I see you have a new toy." I looked up and smiled an embarassed smile before replying "Yes, I do." She went on to tell me about her techie sons who were ironically around the same age as myself. One works for Pixar in California and the other a freelance artist of some sort. She asked what I did when I wasn't having lunch in Panera. I explained that I am currently a full-time student pursuing my MBA. She sounded so excited and asked to sit down. I would've offered, but I suppose I was so stunned that the conversation was even occuring. She asked what I wanted to do with my MBA, I explained that I wanted to take a stab at fashion design, but felt that having business expertise would allow me to create a better foundation and a successful business. She then began to tell me about her friend's daughter who had her wedding dress designed by a young lady who was creating designs at no cost to build her portfolio. She said the daughter had to fly to NY for the fittings, but that the dress turned out beautiful. How remarkable? I tell her that I want to apply for Parsons next fall. Her face lit up again. She said that she owned her own graphic design business and that most of the people in her family were artistic. She went on to add that Parsons was an excellent school and that I should apply. Before leaving, we exchanged numbers and she promised to pass my information along to the fashion designer in NY who had created the wedding dress. Now if that isn't confirmation, I don't know what is. :-)

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